Here’s Something To Start Us Off On What Morons Call The Right Foot

Here are some ‘facts’ about ‘me.’

1. My name was supposed to be Charles Lawrence with my present name as a nickname, but the priest at my baptism misunderstood and that’s how it was. (Not the last time a religious person misunderstood something…)

2. I have four kinds of hot sauce in my closet right now.

3. I hate it when people try too hard to be funny in ‘normal’ conversation. Trying to be funny on a stage as a comic or a performer of some kind is different, as in it’s okay to look like you’re actively trying to be funny, since that is kind of the point. But it’s weird when people are talking seriously about one thing and someone seizes a stray word or a phrase and takes off from it, speaking in ‘funny’ voices, e.g. an ultra-sarcastic tone or a cheap, broad ‘impression,’ and trying to make a ‘joke.’ I guess I’m being totally dogmatic here, but my test for things to say in normal conversation is this: if you can say your ‘joke’ or ‘humorous observation’ without it screaming for attention as a Funny Remark, and can totally be taken seriously without impeding ongoing conversation, then go say it. If it sticks out as a very explicit joke-type thing, don’t say it. That’s how I do it. And I am fucking hilarious.

4. I am very very fussy when it comes to words. I can debate word choices for hours.

5. I like milk and have always wondered how people first got the idea of sucking a cow-teat and drinking what came out.

6. I don’t like bad movies, bad music, bad TV shows, bad books, bad comedy, and I don’t usually like the people that like those things (and they don’t like me either). I guess that makes me an elitist.

7. I talk way too much when I’m nervous. I can actually― and I have done this more than I’d like to admit― carry a whole conversation by myself if pressed enough.

8. I find no use trying to appear bohemian and progressive and cool about the Filipino masses, as if I found them not-useless or not-stupid or not-ugly. I know it’s not their fault, and that we should do everything we can to get them to school to learn and be upstanding citizens; but until the day they are that, I’m not about to act as if I’m not wasting my time interacting with them. (Please don’t tell me peasants can teach me Life Lessons I Can’t Get From DLSU. Please. Just don’t.)

9. I’d rather read than talk to people. Books aren’t always good but at least they’re distillations of human thought/knowledge/arguments/whatever and they’re always somewhat more polished and more direct than the conversation of most people. (Including mine.)

10. I don’t find any kind of grammatical/pronunciation mistakes funny. At all.

11. I don’t exactly hate meeting new people; it’s just that I don’t find that sort of thing exciting. It’s pretty sad, but most people are total clichés and can be bunched up harmlessly into neat little piles; like The ‘I Hate Everyone’ Rebel Who Only Needed One Hug Before Converting To Christianity, or The Ordinary Guy Who Euphemizes His Absolute Stupidity With Being ‘Happy Go Lucky.’ (Lots more, obviously) I really wish I could meet someone I couldn’t summarize, but I’m not hopeful.

12. A lot of people have called me ‘suplado.’ And it’s weird: because they wouldn’t know that if they didn’t want to talk to me so much.

13. I don’t work well under pressure, but it’s the only way I can work.

14. My favorite writer is David Foster Wallace. He killed himself August last year. Please read his work. (Start with the essays. You can Google most of them.)

15. I honestly believe all this nonstop, unlimited texting and calling promo-type things with cellular networks is a carefully designed scheme to inculcate a culture of meaningless, unremitting banality to any and all human interaction in this country.

16. (Related to previous number) I can be a little paranoid sometimes.

17. I love explaining things to people.

18. I would like to believe in a Platonic ideal such as Truth or Love, but it’s extremely hard to even conceive of it. It’s like, you know there must be something more in this life than just trying to look cute for the opposite sex all day and make everyone else think how great it is to be you and how they must want that so bad. But what is it? Is there anything True in this world? Or does truth rely simply on the assignation between signifier and receiver and nothing more? Can a God exist in that kind of world? What kind of God would He/She/It be to allow such a shiftless universe?

19. (Related to previous number) I talk to myself a lot. I mean, if you were me, you probably would, too. I may not always be right, but at least I’m always interesting.

20. I hate the word ‘gadgets.’ Not just that: if you’re the kind of person who likes to describe themselves as ‘techies’ or ‘road warriors’ and just loves talking about gigahertz speeds or megapixel counts or the best ‘hotspots’ all day long, I think that you’re a corporate drone who tries to hide behind a torrential stream of stupid toys to childishly avoid having an actual soul and living like a decent fucking human being, and I am not at all being cute or ironic, I swear to God.

21. So many have tried to teach me ‘lessons.’ Usually having something to do with me being not as good as I think I am. It has never worked. I tend to bring out that kind of thing in people, that visceral feeling of insecurity they try to remedy by concentrating more on the little I do wrong than what I do right. Remember, kids: be good, but don’t be too good… until you can handle it.

22.  I have a hard time remembering faces and names. Because I usually don’t care. Remembering Some Girl’s face or Some Friend’s Friend’s name isn’t really worth bothering with when you know you’re only going to meet them once and that they don’t like you that much either.

24. I’d rather speak in front of a large audience than to a group of five to fifteen. Easier to talk to a faceless slope than to actual people whose eyes you have to look into to establish Good Conversational Technique. I find eye contact between lecturer and audience to be unnecessarily creepy from both sides.

25. I have this rewritten this list five times. Because that’s just the kind of person I am.